Last Friday, April 30th 2021 was the anniversary of the day that I arrived in the USA from Korea, over three decades ago, to meet my new family. While my family has typically celebrated by letting me know that they love me or are thinking about me on my arrival day, I have historically not celebrated in any large way. I’ve always had feelings about the day, but they span a pretty broad spectrum. That said, I’ve always found it meaningful that my family lets me know that they love me and care. I love them, too, and feel very grateful to be one of them.
My mom and I talked on the phone this year and she told me how much I mean to her and how she is proud of me, loves me, and how happy she is to have been able to be a part of my life these many years. Of course, I cried (and pretended I didn’t haha). I am aware how lucky I am to have this kind of relationship with my family. While some adoptees are like myself, with families whom love and support them, and have fully embraced them as family, there are also many adoptees who do not have positive or healthy relationships with anyone in their families. I can only imagine that arrival day anniversaries are tough.
Please note that I specifically do not refer to this anniversary as my “gotcha day” as I find it offensive. I feel like the term can promote the white, hero/savior complex, can equate a child to an “object” for procurement, and takes the narrative away from the complex circumstances and feelings that the adoptee might have about the event. I totally support folks whom do refer to their, or their adopted family member’s, arrival days in those words (you do you!!).
This year’s arrival day anniversary was the second year in a row that I took the day off from work to be selfish and focus on myself. I treated myself to a modern hanbok (last year’s was a beautiful cream and orange hanbok more traditional in style).
Hanboks were a luxury growing up. My family was not wealthy, and buying hanbok for me was a notable expense. I recall feeling special, beautiful, and like I had deeper connection to my Korean heritage whenever I wore one. I remember being surrounded by other Korean girls in their hanboks when I did Korean dance or went to Korean Culture Camp as a child. I felt the older girls were so beautiful. When my friend Kirsten married her Korean husband, Dan, his mother and grandmother wore hanbok. They were stunning. I felt a sense of longing for a culture I was a part of, but also a stranger/outsider to. My love and relationship with hanbok is, in some ways, similar to my relationship with Korea and Korean culture.
Unlike the past 30+ years of arrival day anniversaries, about 8 months ago I reconnected with my biological mother. As noted in a number of my blog posts, the reconnection with my maternal biological family has had an impact on me emotionally and operationally. I found myself having even more complex feelings about this year’s anniversary than some past ones. Especially knowing my bio mother’s experience surrounding my adoption, there’s more for me to think about.
To those readers whom are adoptees, birth parents, or adoptive family… what do you do to recognize arrival days? Do you do anything?
Thanks for reading! As always, 사랑해요! ❤
Learning to be 한국인 