Category: Personal Update

On April 28th of last year I made a personal Facebook post about some of the challenges I’d experienced that were potentially related to anti-Asian racism and sexism (one can experience both at the same time). It came after having been quietly upset about the typical anti-Asian slights aimed in my direction becoming more public and more frequent the preceding months. I’d also been following a lot of chatter in Asian communities (especially the KAD community) about similar experiences since the start of Covid. That day I’d gone out for a run, and was chased down the street by a screaming man. Something about being a “China whore” or similar language. I’d been a little taken aback (initially surprised and scared), outran him (fear and physical fitness helped I suppose), finished my run (over 4 miles of additional ground), and then resumed my workday like nothing had happened (meetings are meetings). That said, for whatever reason I mentioned it online. I guess I wanted to speak out.

Not quite a year later, having now surpassed the one year anniversary of sheltering in place in CA, it’s interesting to reflect upon those past experiences as well as new and ongoing ones.

For the most part, I’ve tried not to talk about arguably racist experiences I’ve had both throughout my life as well as in current times. Some of this is out of embarrassment, not wanting to cause trouble, and not wanting to make those of other minority groups feel like I’m infringing on or detracting from their real hate-based experiences and hardships. I’ve found this to be surprisingly common amongst other Asian persons… a lot of silence about issues we’ve faced. This silence is reflected, I feel, by society at large which typically doesn’t acknowledge anti-Asian racism or the Asian American experience at all (adopted or otherwise).

I’ve also found that when I have brought up my experiences, or talked about the history of racism toward Asians in America or in Western cultures in general, nobody wants to hear it. Or if they are interested, because they love me or care about the topic in some way, it’s often something they truly have no way to fully understand despite our mutual best efforts.

When trying to talk about my experiences as an Asian person and woman, or about anti-Asian racism in general, I’ve been asked if I’m sure what happened to me actually happened. I’ve been told that I should remember that no such thing as racism toward Asians exists. People remind me that Asians actually “have it better than any other race” and have “Asian privilege”. Others tell me that every other minority group has it worse, that Asians are racist and are the source of racism, and that it’s even nice to see Asians finally experience what real racism is like for ourselves. (Please note that I understand that racial and cultural relations between Asians and other minority groups is complex. I’m not saying that I do not recognize or support why people feel the way they do in this regard. I’m not saying that the Asian community has done no wrong. I’m also not saying we have it “worse” than anyone or that the experiences of other minority groups is not equally valid or important).

Another thing that people have told me is to think of things that I’ve considered to be racist microaggressions (people bowing and saying “ni hao” to me, folks asking where I’m “reallllyyyyy from”, being told my English is “surprisingly good”, joking about my husband or anyone I’ve dated as having “yellow fever”, or when people ask about why my eyes or skin or face look like they do) as compliments. “It’s just people showing interest! Don’t be mean. It’s a compliment”.

Let me just say… I have never found it helpful when people tell me how or what my experiences are or how I should feel about them. If anything, it has fed into a deep sense that I am completely alone. That I don’t have a safety net. That it’s pointless to bother speaking up, at least for myself (I’m very happy to fight for and support others). Worse, I struggle a lot as an adult with gaslighting myself for experiences related to racism and sexism and adoption that really have happened and do happen. “It’s not that big of a deal”, “Everyone says this type of thing happens to everyone and is okay and normal”, “I’m probably just being ridiculous”, “I’m mean”, “I deserved it or caused it”, “I’m the problem”. So, if you’re reading this and know you say or have said things like above to someone trying to be open and vulnerable about their personal experiences, please stop yourself. It can cause real damage.

I have a Korean friend whom recently immigrated to the USA with her American (white) husband. Since coming here she has experienced racism. This is new to her since, in Korea, nobody would attack or other her for being Korean. Unfortunately, she’s living in an area (mid-west) with very little Asian population. Her immediate family is all white and has lived there forever. While her family and friends may care about her, or be aware of the troubles she’s had, she has nobody to talk to that understands or validates her experiences, fears, or worries in the way another Asian person can. For instance, her husband reminds her to be open minded, that she can’t live in fear, and that statistics show that she’s in a safe area and few Asians actually get hurt (i.e. her fears are unfounded and her brushes with racism aren’t an issue).

What she is experiencing is so intensely relatable to me. I know it’s something that other Asians (and minorities both racial and otherwise) can relate to.

Today she sent me an email letting me know that she has been having a hard time because of the anti-Asian racism news. Between reports of mild abuses (people moving away from Asians in public, saying arguably racist things etc.), slightly greater issues (Asians being sprayed with cleaners, folks refusing to serve Asians, being spat upon, or things like my being chased down the street), greater abuses (Asians being set on fire, having acid thrown at us, being physically attacked and beaten), to the deadlier reports (Pak Ho in Oakland, Vicha Ratanapakdee in SF, and now Xiaojie Tan, Daoyou Feng, Delaina Ashley Yaun Gonzalez, Paul Andre Michels, Soon Park, Hyun Grant, Suncha Kim, and Yong Yue in Atlanta), my friend is scared and upset. She said she has been crying all of the time. She said she misses Korea. She asked me if “Is this something you would get used to if you lived in the US long enough? Would I ever reach the phase where I don’t feel anxious anymore about who I am?”.

Honestly, the question is a painful one. How does one respond? I guess the answer many folks would want me to give, assuming they even believe that anti-Asian racism exists, is “Of course not! Because this is just a bad moment in history. It’s not America. We’re welcoming and a melting pot and racism is over. This isn’t who or what we are. Please have faith. Things will get better”! But, I think that would be a false answer as much as we’d like it to be true.

I’ve lived in the United States of America most of my life. I still feel anxious about being Asian. About being a woman. About being an immigrant. About being adopted. About a number of things, actually. Regardless of people insisting that these feelings are ridiculous or that the causes are made up, the anxiety is real. I can only imagine the anxiety that my Asian friends with elderly Asian family living in the USA must be feeling on top of everything else. The same goes for KADs whom are of mixed black and Asian descent. I think it’s about mitigating or finding ways to live with the anxiety if you can. It takes work. The problems don’t go away. The anxiety doesn’t go away.

As for getting “used to” issues like racism… what a different beast. I realized, after giving it thought, that for me it’s a yes and no. I am used to it in that I’ve navigated otherness (from microaggressions though attempts at physical attacks) for decades. I tell myself “it’s fine”. They happened as a child, as a teen, as an adult, in public, in private, and at multiple places of work. Friends, extended family, strangers, coworkers, and acquaintances are not exempt from this. “It is what it is”. You start recognizing the type of racism it’ll be and then navigate accordingly.

For instance, and this IS unkind, when people start the whole verbal dance of figuring out “what kind of Asian I am”, I sometimes toy with them before eventually giving them the answer they seek (and the chance to tell me all about the Asian they know or how much they love Asians or whatever, which inevitably happens). It’s mean, it’s wrong, and I shouldn’t do it. It happens when I’m feeling particularly tired and unkind and that person has gone about it in a way I find frustrating (like a person creeping on me and following me around or trapping me physically to broach the subject). That said, I probably wouldn’t do this unkind thing if I weren’t so “used to” that kind of racism.

Having experienced these things that are troubling my friend so much throughout my life has made me “used to” it. I’m savvier in dealing with the day-to-day challenges. I can be heckled, chased, endure comments about my looks, have people get weird about my exotic Asian sexuality, or whatever the flavor of racism might be and get back to work or life without appearing phased. It’s probably an advantage and privilege that I’ve not appreciated as much as I could or should.

However, being “used to” it doesn’t make it good or right or what I want for her or anyone. I internalize a lot of these events and experiences and they bubble up in ways I’m not proud of. I still have emotional reactions to racism or other types of harassment, even though I wish I were stronger, tougher, unflappable, graceful. I get scared and angry, even though it’s unhealthy. Getting overly emotional at every slight is no way to live when the slights are many and don’t show signs of abating. I guess, to me getting “used to” is more about being less surprised when “it” happens and having more tools at your disposal to recognize what’s happening and not let it ruin your life every time it happens. (As a note, I’m talking about myself not anyone else. This is how I navigate. I absolutely understand that for some people this is not an acceptable way of thinking. I absolutely understand that some attacks are too gross and traumatic to not ruin your life. I also understand that when the attacks lead to brutality or death, as often happens especially to BIPOC, women, members of the LGBTQ+ community, of course it’s a life ruinous event. Nobody should be expected to get “used to” or otherwise appear “okay” about those things). I guess what I’m saying is… getting “used to” hate or mistreatment doesn’t mean that you don’t have emotional reactions, that it gets easier, or that these events don’t impact you. But, for me, it’s finding ways to keep living as best I can despite the challenges.

I’ve realized that I have a hard time with getting “used to” as a premise because it can potentially put the ownership and responsibility on the victims rather than the perpetrators. That’s not okay. Telling anyone that the goal is to be more accepting of being treated badly, of being attacked, of being killed, of living in fear… that’s a problem. I don’t like any narrative where we dismiss folks living with these very real concerns. It feels harmful, wrong, and cowardly. Shouldn’t we work to make sure that people don’t get “used to” these types of problems?

Anyway, I’m getting super wordy. I think I just wanted to say something on the topic because it’s meaningful to me, and to people I know and care about. While my blog is a personal one focusing on the KAD experience, I do not feel that racism is a topic to be ignored. It’s a huge theme in my life and the lives of other KADs.

Full circle, my running is a pretty good example of my musings on racism, and how I’ve spent the past year. After the chasing incident, and all of the other things that happened to and around me, I am ashamed and saddened to say that I stopped running as frequently. Eventually, I stopped running at all. I’ve been a long time runner and have found it to be a self investment that I love and take pride in. It’s a way for me to mediate, to focus, to feel alive, to travel and see and experience and explore. But, for whatever reason, more and more I started exercising indoors instead. It’s been hard. I haven’t been kind to myself about it. I’ve felt like a failure, a weakling, not strong or independent like I want to appear. I have felt like I “gave in” to silly fears and gave up on myself.

I announced to my husband and some close friends and confidants (whom have had to endure my emotional ups and downs this past year and I am intensely grateful to) before the Atlanta shooting that I was going to start running again starting Tuesday, March 16th. Tuesday at lunchtime I put on my trusty running shoes, my neon running gear (aside from helpfulness in not getting gear mixed up with other people’s the neon has always been my way of helping if I were to be attacked or killed and people needed to find me), my fancy new Bluetooth earbuds (I actually only ever wear one so I’m more aware of my surroundings as a lone female), and my running belt (which holds my phone, key and id). I hit the road and ran for the first time in months. I fell into a familiar cadence and rhythm, toe to heel, breathing just so, looking at the long distance. Was I weaker, slower, less conditioned, and less good than before? Absolutely. Did I feel bad about my backward slide? Absolutely. Did I run less mileage? Absolutely. I essentially ran only 3 miles in 30 minutes (unlike my typical longer distances and speeds). But, I felt so proud of myself for doing it. It felt like I was taking something back that I’d allowed myself to give up.

That late afternoon/early evening I started seeing posts coming though about the murder of 8 people, mostly Asian women, in my Asian community feeds. It was astounding. Everyone was upset, scared, and frustrated. Feelings of “it’s not just Covid or Trump, although both are major factors now…we’ve experienced racism for far longer and it needs to be talked about” were popping up everywhere. Women started coming forward about the experiences they’d had and do have that resonated with me. Asian women are the majority of victims in recent reported allegedly anti-Asian crimes. There was a mutual sentiment that someone having “a bad day” wasn’t a good enough reason to murder 8 people. Having a “sex addiction” and wanting to “remove temptation” was not just cause to target mostly Asian women.

The next day my Mom reached out to me to ask about me, to tell me how much she loves and cares and worries about me, and to ask me to please be as careful as I can. We both know there’s only so much I can do to stay safe… a lot of it really isn’t up to me. I can, however, be vigilant. My husband talked with me about please carrying mace and making sure to tell him my running routes in case the worst happens and he needs to search for me if I don’t come home.

I went running on Thursday.

This has gotten far longer and more self indulgent than I planned. I think my friend reaching out to me for comfort and to talk, an Asian woman to another, gave me the shove I needed to make some kind of public statement about the arguably anti-Asian racism and sexism that I’ve experienced and that are experienced by the greater community. Sorry for being wordy. It occurred to me that I felt better and cared about and heard, validated, supported when my mom reached out, when my husband talked with me, or even just seeing non-Asian friends post about the issues in the news on various social media outlets.

So, I wanted to write and share this post personally/self indulgently, but also in case it resonates with anyone else out there whom is or has been having a tough time. You’re not alone. I care about you. I hope you’re safe. I hope your family and friends are safe. Please be vigilant about protecting yourself both physically and emotionally. Please stand up for and protect those that need protecting. Sometimes people look like they have it together, but they don’t.

And, because I’m oversharing right now and I’m opinionated in general, Black Lives Matter. A lot of the things I and the AAPI community have experienced and are experiencing cannot be righted until Black Lives Matter. I believe this to be true. I hope you understand. If you support the AAPI community, but not the Black one, that’s not okay.

Thanks for reading if you’ve made it through all of this. Please take care of yourselves, everyone.

사랑해요. I love you. ❤