Today’s post is simply a personal KAD journey update. In a previous post (How To: Start a Birth Family Search) I mentioned an optional DNA step. While some adoptees and birth families choose not to use DNA in their searches, or to confirm relations after contact has been made, my birth mother and I did choose to pursue DNA confirmation. However, we waited to start until December 2020, multiple months into our growing relationship, and have been subsequently biting our nails and experiencing emotional fatigue as a result for the past 2.5/3 months. Our DNA testing process was lengthy and included a “redo” because samples didn’t work the first time around. Suffice it to say, the whole thing has been an ordeal. I stand behind what I said in my previous post about not waiting to do the DNA step if you can help it due to the emotional and time-related impact.
Well, good news, the wait’s over! As of March 8th, 2021 (4 days ago) I received word from my CHLSS-SW (state-side social worker) that ESWS had sent an update about the DNA results. ESWS said
“I got a call from DNA test company, and they said that they establish the paternal relationship.
I’m really happy to send this content.”
I have subsequently asked my CHLSSSW to please have ESWS share the actual results/paperwork with me. There’s no guarantee that I’ll be allowed to have any of this information due to things like Korean laws or rules of adoption agencies etc. That said, I’m hoping that I can obtain these records for my own gratification and record-keeping.
So, how am I feeling? I suppose a mix of things. Relief, because I’ve been framing my mind around us receiving negative results so as to theoretically reduce feelings of disappointment, hurt, sadness, loss. Weird… definitely feeling weird. For most people, the lifelong feeling of never knowing “who” you are or “where” you come from is likely different than it is for an orphan or otherwise abandoned person, especially one whom has never had any opportunity to “know” a genetic relative. I’ve gotten used to the idea of being a solo-flyer without the benefit of that “safety net” that everyone else seems to have (i.e. where you got your looks, many of your strengths/weaknesses, personality traits, allergies, disease susceptibility, blood type, whatever else comes with genetic knowledge). I guess I feel like I have the potential for learning these things that have been closed to me for my entire life, but that most people know as a matter of course. It’s weird and I don’t know what to make of it, or what to do with the information.
Outside of feeling relief, and a constant sense of “weirdness”, I am at a loss for what, if anything, it means for my birth family or for my “rights” in Korea. Does my birth mother care more about me now? Will the family be more willing to accept me with DNA proof than they already were? Will she tell my (half) sister about me, now? Will she, and the family, add me to their family registry (the only way an illegitimate person like myself, or any other KAD, is “recognized” as a legal/legitimate Korean person in South Korea)? What, if anything, does this mean?
I am looking at the photos that my birth mother has sent me through ESWS and CHLSS these past months through a different lens.
Before the DNA result, I was actively searching for any visual resemblance to try to legitimize and validate a sense of belonging and a biological relationship. When I’d first seen my birth mother’s photo I was disappointed. I didn’t feel that I looked like her and kept searching for definitive characteristics that matched. She’d commented that I looked a lot like my birth father (whom I have no information or rights to learn about in South Korea due to being “illegitimate”). So, I’d felt a bit of a sense of loss… like I was never going to actually know anyone that looked like me. Over the months, though, I found more visual resemblance in the photos of her and the extended family. One aunt in particular she, and my cousin, felt I could be the direct daughter of because of how similar we looked based on pictures. That felt good to hear, because I could see it too.
I felt like my birth mother, and my birth family, were acting similarly to me… searching for visual similarities in lieu of DNA proof. Every new physical detail or attribute we learned about each other that was similar was elevated in our minds. When my birth mother and I found out that we both had the same menstrual symptoms and history (South Korean women will talk about this, it’s considered normal in a maternal relationship), are the same height, same weight, and have similar skin and hair types it felt like a comfort and revelation. Still, it felt like we were trying to connect dots to try and reinforce broken or unformed ties.
Now, when I look at those photos, I’m certain that I am related. I’m not searching for “proof” to assuage lingering doubts or to try to build up my theoretical “where I come from” story. Rather, I’m looking for aspects of myself with a degree of certainty. I’m not sure if the distinction makes sense to those whom have not experienced what this is like. But, to me it’s a difference.
Anyway, I certainly have plenty more thoughts on the matter, but I feel like this is a good stopping point. I’m curious what other KADs have experienced in terms of “where do I come from” and genetic history. Of course, all comments are welcome regardless of KAD experience or not.
Thanks for reading!
사랑합니다! (I love you) ❤
Learning to be 한국인 