There comes a time in many KAD’s lives where we decide whether or not to travel back to Korea. It might be a fleeting decision, one given great care , or even one that’s decided for us by our family, friends, or employers. Our decision may change over time, but usually the topic of a “homeland visit” is relatable across the KAD community.
For most of my life, visiting Korea was never a strong desire nor was it something that felt attainable (age, job, finances, metal/emotional preparedness, or any number of reasons both tangible and intangible). While it might have been cool, it just never seemed realistic. Or, if I did get the occasional desire, I staunchly told myself that I didn’t need to go, ending the conversation with myself before allowing it to go any further.
Instead, I found it nice to participate in Korean culture from America (taking classes, meeting other KADs and Korean-Americans, wearing hanbok, eating Korean foods, talking about being Korean with curious non-ethnic Koreans and so forth). I “felt” Korean, but did not feel the need to go to Korea similar to how I did not feel the need to start a birth-search or reunite with biological family.
Regarding KADs, none of us chose to leave Korea or to leave our biological families. Nor did we choose the families or countries we were sent to. Much like how none of us chose not to keep Korean language or heritage in our lives. I’m not saying these are bad or good things, just something to keep in mind when considering how KADs may feel about traveling to Korea.
Additionally, Korean-ness, American-ness, and the overwhelming feeling of other-ness (not Korean, not American, not “normal” as family, but also Korean, American, and a part of a family) is one that many KADs navigate over our lifetimes. The only ethnic or similarly-relatable moniker that I personally identify with is KAD.
Because of my complex feelings surrounding Korea, Korean-ness, and being a KAD, I have always had a difficult time answering when people ask me “where are you from” and then “have you ever visited Korea”? I’ve often answered “I was born in Korea” and “no I have not been back”. Folks usually reply that I’m not really Korean so it’s okay that I haven’t been a tourist there, nor did my time in Korea count as having been in or to Korea. They will typically talk about their own experiences in Korea, tell me about Korean people, culture, and language and what it’s like to “be Korean”, ignorant to or ignoring the potential impact to my person. Surprisingly frequently they also remark how funny it is that they’re more Korean than me. (Most typically they are not themselves ethnically Korean nor were they born in Korea. Sometimes they have lived there for a short period of time).
While these are common interactions that I’ve had, and I’m sure all of the people meant well and wanted to express their expertise in and interest of Korean culture, Korean language, and Korean-ness, these conversations and opinions added to my self-defeating and self-preservationist attitude about going to Korea.
I’d often feel jealous, and still do (which I’m recognizing and working on), about their “Korean-ness” that I hadn’t been able to attain or experience. Perhaps those feelings come from a self-created “victim” narrative rather than owning up to my own failures in my lack-of-Korean-ness. Regardless, the result was often me shoving down any hurt, jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, or sadness and putting “go to Korea” in the “never going to happen” category.
On top of emotional reasons, I’ve often not been in a place in my life where I could afford the time or money to travel. Especially, not internationally or for a vacation. My family rarely if ever traveled or took vacations, certainly never international ones. Such things were for rich people and were a luxury.
In summation, the emotional challenges on top of the time and money constraints, as well as thinking that vacations/travel were unattainable, caused me to be in the KAD camp of “I don’t plan to visit Korea” for a span of multiple decades.
My feelings have evolved over these past couple of years. Covid, re-investing in my Korean heritage, starting to learn the language, and building a relationship with my biological mother have impacted my desire to go back to Korea for the first time since I was sent to America.
I recently took the plunge and bought a round-trip ticket to Incheon Airport. I will be there for one month this autumn 2021. I felt like if I didn’t purchase a ticket, I might always find reasons not to go.
I have many fears, anxieties, and hopes regarding a visit to Korea. I don’t feel ready. But, I’ve decided that never going to Korea would be a life-long regret. If something happened to my birth mother, or my living biological family and I missed the chance to meet them, I’d also have regrets. Unlike most of my life, I’m in a place of relative stability. I have a job that I like, I’m allowed to work full-time or part-time remote (a change since the pandemic), and I have paid time off that I can leverage if need be. It’s a bit of a stretch, but I can afford the travel costs (ticket, travel supplies, food, transportation, and housing in Korea etc). It seems as good a time to go as any.
As this post is getting long, I’m going to end it here. My goal with this post was simply to share the lead-up to my decision to make my first visit back to Korea. I will be working on pulling together concrete travel plans and resources as my travel date approaches. I will share more details about planning a first trip to Korea, including extra KAD-related information, in future post(s).
감사합니다 여러분! 사랑해요.
-Learning to be Korean
Learning to be 한국인 